I don’t know where to start, I mean I am just writing from the top of my head in my pjs, with barely any sleep and a million of things running through my head. I have a work all day, so I am going to make it quick, few thoughts and hope whoever is reading this will know that you’re not alone. Or to help you, help someone.
It’s been an extremely tough 2 weeks for me, no a tough 4 years for me and for once I’ve decided to speak out, publicly. And I’ve decided to seek help, privately.
“How can someone like you be depressed.. look at you silly, smart, funny, pretty, you’ve got a great life..” Along those ridiculous lines from my past therapist, people, friends, family, partners.. the lot.
I would smile and laugh, quite a lot; but alone, behind closed doors after a long day, I would cry a lot. But no one would really know why.. I guess it’s because I never really went into explicit details. For hours, majority of the time, I’d walk out of the house just so no one would hear- especially during the nights. To have flashbacks of a toxic abusive horrendous first relationship (back at university) and fighting for your case everyday for a year, alone, to be told he admitted the domestic but not *coughs coughs* was traumatic. It had changed me. Everything from rushed to hospital alone, bleeding, overdose the lot-Over the years, it had become progressively better, in terms of dealing with emotions & doing what I can to block out the mood change. But, for the worse: I was suicidal back then, I tried, was on the floor, but saved by an ex. I tried again, by the tube tracks, then saved again. I tried before I went on holiday, – I even wrote out goodbye letters (few months back), but a voice inside of my stopped me. I thought about it two weeks ago, but something inside of me said stop. ‘Get help if you can’t talk to anyone. Get help.’ The miscarriage I had this month has made me feel extremely low, gained weight did not feel confident too, (partly why my blog wasn’t so consistent- didn’t feel 100% confident) so a lot is going on inside my head. How I am feeling inside isn’t a depiction of myself, I am mostly happy, bubbly, likes to laugh, make others laugh, fun, self motivated, the one who will make others feel like a million dollars, even if I am upset. But depression kicks in and myself vanishes. Depression kicked in at the worst times, especially after extreme highs in my life. But I never fully faced it properly and I never really had anyone who helped me along the way.
The majority of my 20s, (24 now), I was severely depressed, after the outcome- to this day it still gets to me. It’s pigmented into me, the sharp experiences, the moments of feeling low, unstoppable acts of defeat. An illusion of break through, a fresh new book was not there. I am still in the old book, I am still dealing, (no way as much- but it’s still there) with the aftermath and controlling my moods. It’s fucking difficult at times, there goes my french, but it is. You tell someone you’re depressed, people start comparing, oh but I’ve had it a lot worse, or better still they don’t help/brush it off. Sometimes I feel like maybe I am better off not here and sometimes I feel even worse because If I weren’t here then others would be upset/mad/angry and I don’t want them to feel like a feculent human.
Getting help is the best way forward, even if I have to go through 50 different therapists.. I am not afraid anymore to speak up and seek out, I am human. I am not perfect, the last 4/5 years have been anything but perfect, but trying to be positive and dealing with it instead of ignoring it can make a huge impact.
It’s true that mental illness is not visible like broken bones.. I get it that people find it hard to understand that there is something wrong with you as they are not experiencing it themselves.. Sometimes you wish they knew what was inside your head. An individual who is depressed may not appear to be depressed on the clear surface. If you think about it, it is usually an underlying problem that’s hidden extremely well by the depressed individual..
If you know someone who is depressed, just sit down and actually look at them, be empthatic, ask them how they are and just listen. Don’t judge, don’t compare, don’t make them feel small by saying but you’re amazing at this.. blah blah ‘what have you got to be depressed about..’ If all else fails and you can’t coherently make a great active approach, then make them write down everything they are happy about, tell them to focus on that and you’ll help there every step of the way. The worst is making them focus on the negative and leave them feeling alone,
Even if you haven’t got a clue what they’re experiencing, sometimes all people need is a loving heart and a pair of ears. Be kind to everyone you meet, someone right next to you might seem happy, but also they are dealing with a lot, so treat everyone with respect and be kind. You could make someone’s day. Or better, change their life.
And if you are depressed yourself, know that so many others are gong through it as well, you are not alone. So don’t ever feel like it! Don’t compare lives, someone you’re envious of could be depressed too; so focus on your own and know by getting help you can pull through, it will take time. Seek help with the right people, don’t surround yourself with people who bring you down & make you feel shit. Make a happy playlist, do one thing a day which will make you happy, even if that’s buying yourself a cupcake! Ha
Today I feel 100% positive, I am back to work after 2 weeks off- (first time in my life where I have had 2 whole weeks off work) and this is a new me, new beginnings- new open mindset. Getting professional help and for once putting myself and my health first not dealing with everyones.
Life can have its highs and lows. One minute you’re dancing to Britney like a donkey had got lucky on valentines, next minute you’re lose your marbles and tell everyone to get the fuck out of your life. Bye felicia. One day you’ll feel every emotion, next nothing at all. One day you’re on your knees crying and hurting, next on your knees to pray to say thank you. You might seem a little bipolar.. One moment you know what the future is like, it looks crystal clear, next you won’t have a fucking clue and wonder is this all a joke, because you don’t get it.. I still don’t get it. “This life shit isn’t a movie, and I think sometimes, we forget that..”
I am aware that I will always struggle with mental health, but thank fuck the heaven lords with sprinkle icing that I am not the person I was back 4 years ago. If I can pull through and start making active changes after many years of not dealing with it properly (sick of the same endless cycles of mood changes) and for once dealing with it properly, then you can too. I hope you will be there for someone and if you’re dealing with this I pray to God you’ll get stronger everyday. Smile- things will always bounce back-
If you feel like you have no one- you do- someone out there find all you flaws beautiful, they will be there every step of the way, they wont be horrible and make you feel like shit, theres someone out there for everyone. Remember: Sometimes the people that seem the most together are the ones that are struggling the most. you never know..
And for once, because the happiest girl in the room might actually be the happiest in the room.
If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to direct message me, even if it is anonymous.
Love always- Mental health is so seriously but overlooked, respect those fighting and respect those who have lost their fight